ABOUT
i don't know what to put here, but i'll figure it out.
Welcome
9/11/14, 3:45 PM
i'm gonna be better
not long after posting my last diary entry, i spoke with someone about my feelings of loneliness and it did help to hear myself saying it to someone else, to relate to each other and to remind ourselves that reaching out is possible. i'm putting more effort into talking out loud and being present in spaces where it's hard to take up space in silence. i feel so much better already. i need to get out of my goofy ass head and become the change i wanna see in my life and stop doing those weird measuring observations where i do nothing but expect the world. i'm gonna give it my all and be responsible with my feelings and with everyone around me. i'm gonna be what i wanna be
9/19/24, 10:03 PM
trying to understand
i feel lonely. my manner of existing, of going about the world, feels lonely. did i make it so that i carry myself in isolation whenever possible or is this how it will be in keeping with a version of myself that feels true? knowing many people and having many friends is a world away from having an equal exchange of intimacy. i just can't seem to hit the right spot. intimacy has robbed me of being myself and losing the common thread of sense in pursuit of something that, when i look back, i don't know myself capable of returning to. i can't go back and i don't want to. i could be surrounded by people, but it feels as though we're kept apart. i want to throw a party, but who do i invite? everyone? just a few? will it matter? when i feel the anger boiling in my throat, i can't just spit it out and corrode bone and flesh where it touches. i feel inclined to silence. speaking is an act of self-pity and an invitation to be looked at from a place far above, and asking for help feels deplorable knowing just how many people feel indescribable disdain at the idea of another's need. i feel like i'm full of needs and it never ends. i wish i didn't need anything at all. i'm floating between days in orderly routine, but a state of not knowing who i want to be next, or feeling that i can't be that yet. i can't rely on help so i wait for a bus an hour and do it myself. i keep doing this to myself, the yes! the of course! the "i'll meet you where you are" when i can't and shouldn't. i'll say yes to meeting someone while trying to keep peace at home from falling in shambles. the most humiliating moment of my week was when they watched me type in the numbers of my phone bill into the booth screen, blood rushing cold, praying they don't see the larger number of a months long debt, and tapping my card for an immediate rejection. a system error, because the card was fine. they laugh. you make the joke i expect you to. the "smells like broke". i'm sure i forced a smile or a chuckle somewhere in the moment after. you think this is funny. you think the way i live is laughable. and the paradise of consumption is your oyster, and you saunter around caressing goods, creating want, perusing wealth. i can't stand to breathe the same air as someone like you. i know exactly why it feels so lonely. i don't know if the end of loneliness would make me feel any better, or if it would create a hole inside myself that i'll painfully try to fill with more insufficiency. i want to hold hands with someone like you, who sees. i don't know if you see what i want you to. it comes close, though. i don't know. i have these hands shaped like yours and i have a body i'm trying to decorate and i walk brisk like wind and i don't look at your eyes. i know what i want and i know who i am. i don't know if that's enough. i'm just angry. i love through anger, like anger is a curtain and my love pierces the one standing behind it and he bleeds into the mouth of my anger. i tried to think of a way to draw this, not the image but the anger and the loneliness, but i couldn't think of anything. i don't want to draw my own face on the paper. i want a metaphor that feels perfect and falls short. i don't know. it feels like i'm waiting for something to happen. i'm too afraid of typing my thoughts or thinking them or drawing them or being afraid of them or writing them, like the mere consideration of the idea is enough to taunt it into proving itself real, like a ghost from some child's story. i don't want to need to cry. i don't want to need to eat. i want to be more. i feel haunted by the surface of my relationships, how little we give away, how little i'm allowed to say and how little people tend to listen. this isn't something i'm making up; just look around. all full hands, empty seats. i'm all duty. i want some fun too. i have fun in between, on my own, small moments. i come back to this heaviness, to wishing i could just explain myself, to wondering if what people see is a person or a child in a trenchcoat, if they're standing in front of me or if they're peering towards the downwards angle marking the distance between them and me. i hesitate. i vacillate. i take a step back. i frown so strangers see my frown, see how angry i am, how frustrated, how helpless i feel to feel this way when i'm so lucky. don't mistake this for ingratitude. i want to be able to call someone and meet up, just for the hell of it, just two people, not a woman, not a girl, just me, not to harbor or to stifle but to be, to laugh until tears prick my eyes, kicking my feet, fondly punching a shoulder. i don't know. it's lonely. it's lonely here. not in my home, not in my head. i mean the place where i stand between two tired trees, willing branches to bridge the gap, feet floating over the dark canyon. i mean it when i say don't call me just to make a number of my company, i want the promise of bare faces. don't talk to me just to hear the echo of your own brilliance dressed in my voice. i mean it when i beg for you to think of me, only sometimes, think how close i am, how empty the streets are at night, the park seats not taken, still. my loneliness is shaped by the city, vast, mountains in far sight, so close, a drive away. where is the bus that takes me there? is the answer rushing down the rapids of a river, through stone and earth? do i send you a message of desperate ground control? do i shine a lightbulb in the bathroom? a hanging lamp over my head when i try to sleep? am i hard to love when i run out of things to say? where do i go? i grip the edge, i get my nails dirty, my hair undone. i'll crawl back out with the weight of this.
9/10/24, 8:28 PM
the week begins
so i missed all of last week because i was sick, but this week i went back to work and to classes. yesterday and the day before that i was too busy to be able to log in and write journal entries, but to summarize that and sunday, on sunday i met up with one of my middle school to high school best friends and we did some catching up and a lot, lot of walking. it was really nice to see them again after so long! on monday, i had a pretty full day but i enjoyed my class lots, went back home late and basically did all the night routine and went straight to bed. today i made myself pancakes for breakfast and had a socially packed day since lots of people passed by work today, and i made plans for the weekend with someone :) it's gonna be a pretty eventful saturday and sunday so i hope i don't burn myself out too much. we're halfway through the week now, so far so good. journal 3 from gravity falls should be arriving in two days and i'm extremely excited to read it for the first time because even though the files have been available online for years i never got around to it! and having the real deal is something else... now i'll have an awesome prop for my upcoming dipper cosplay. my nose is being really annoying today for no reason whatsoever, i keep sniffling and shit it's so annoying! on monday i didn't have this problem! but today it's been blowing my nose nonstop. friend teased me for it and everything but i think that's just an ongoing bit he won't let go of in general. tomorrow i have work and a meeting in the afternoon... not sure how thursday's gonna go but i have an idea of how i want friday to go. i'm feeling pretty okay! a little anxious but i feel like i've reeled it in a lot better than i would have a year ago. keeping a physical agenda has also helped me with structuring my days and weeks. what's bothering me the most is not having the time to take my cat to the vet which is why i'm hoping on friday in the morning i'll have the time to do that and get out of there quick enough to make it to work on time... the other thing bothering me is the fact that my laptop is DEAD dead and i have to get it fixed, but doing that is a whole ordeal of its own and i don't have the time for it yet. in other news, having a credit card feels so weird. like this really would have made my life easier in so many occasions, i'm still a little apprehensive about the whole thing but you know, that's what i get for being a bit of a late bloomer at this whole thing. aaaanyway uhhhhhh yeah idk i'm running out of things to say but i will say that today was cool.
9/07/24, 9:24 PM
it feels like sunday even though it's saturday
so today i did sleep past noon, ironically enough, but i made up for it in doing things. i took a shower not long after waking up, got dressed, and took the bus to the mall on an errand. i didn't exactly find everything i was looking for but what i DID find was an umbrella! i had been needing one, and its design is super cute too. it's been really rainy these past couple of weeks and i suspect it'll continue to be cloudy and rainy for the coming ones, so i'm glad to have that out of the way. then i took the bus back home. i love going out on errands and taking public transportation or walking to do it, something about it makes me feel really in control of my destiny and like i can go pretty much anywhere as long as i have a route. it's so fun! and i actually have fun doing it alone, too. i do love doing errands with others but something about going out all alone and getting something done is awesome. i thought about one of my favorite ocs today a lot and lo and behold, i was possessed to pull out my sketchbook and DRAW. yeah that's right, the once a month craze that enters my hand and tears a few drawings out of me before the muse goes back into hibernation. i feel pretty satisfied with what i drew today, most of it was totally self-indulgent hehehe. before i knew it it was 9 pm, and now i'm writing my journal entry since i don't think a whole lot will happen in the coming hours. ideally what i'd do is get ahead on work, HOWEVER i don't feel like it and i probably won't. since it's a saturday night i wanna enjoy the feeling of the night and i'll see what i can get done tomorrow. i have to do a couple of things soon... shit, i thought i had tuesday morning to do something but nope, turns out i promised those hours to my work :( it's fine though, i'll see what i can do about that. i do hate not having a single morning where i can get weekday things done without it interfering with either job, but hwaaaatever man whatever. oh i got gleepnarp socks. anime con is coming up and i sincerely hope i'll have a good time, aaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhh.9/06/24, 11:09 PM
i don't know what to title this
i'll take advantage of this moment of rawness to write today's entry, which really makes up for most of 2024, seeing as my last journal entry is from january of this year. a lot has changed since then. i've decided to make my old entries private, since i'm dissatisfied with the old format and i want to take the new layout as a chance to start with a blank slate and a better system to log the unspeakable. i find it easier to type into the bare code of my website than to write into a paper journal with pencil or pen. i don't want this to be found under my bed, for instance. just the other day i saw a post where someone claimed that there was scientific proof that writing in a language other than one's mother tongue makes it easier to discuss emotion which might otherwise feel too vulnerable. maybe that's why my whole life i've found a certain power and comfort in writing my journal entries in anything but my mother tongue. it's a shelter i worked hard to earn and i hoard its vocabulary selfishly. but enough about that, i have a year to catch up with here. this summer was the best summer i've had in years. it felt like summer from beginning to end. i got to travel for the first time in my life, and i met up with some of the dearest people to me across the sea, something i would have never imagined to be possible or to feel as easy as it did. it was only a week, but i'm not exaggerating when i say that it felt as though i've known them side by side for ten years. i put into perspective the intimacy of my friendships here, having had this once in a million experience. i definitely needed to have this moment in my life that at times had felt so out of reach, to know that if i could do it once, i could do it again. i had a lot of time before and after the trip to round up the summer and lounge about, though i worked too. recently i've been meeting up with people i thought i'd never see again, and reconnecting with people who i'd circumstantially drifted away from, bringing them closer to me. i think that has been one of 2024's strongest themes thus far. how to keep people close, or how close to keep them, how far. how much of my loneliness is self-inflicted by my fear of vulnerability? how much is a matter of "this is as close as we can be, for your sake or mine"? that sort of thing. i'm still testing and trying to find balance in flux. things feel really different than they did at the beginning of the year, that much i'm confident on. i got sick this week so i spent it at home, restless, bored, frustrated. the boredom is self-inflicted too, for the most part, but i really do change with the scenery. as much as i love being home, i like being somewhere else, even running errands will fill that lust for new things, for wandering and adventure. today i came back to my website to give it its much needed update, and i intend to write my journal entries again, since they really are helpful spaces of introspection. if i had to name how i feel right now, i wouldn't be able to place it. i feel anxious, like something bad's going to happen, but also hopeful, and also in control of my emotions and my output. i've been really bored, yearning to create, but in very particular ways where i block myself from the act of creation, or by the feeling of not wanting to be alone. a lot of nostalgia welling inside me lately, i think. tomorrow... i want to get things done tomorrow. i wonder what things i'll get done tomorrow. it'll be saturday, and i'll be able to sleep in. i'm glad that one of the things i've fixed this year has been my sleep schedule, so even when i stay up late and wake up late i don't sleep past noon.Layout credit: DOOMVEGA